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Author Topic: Bring your humour here  (Read 47697 times)
Neil A
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« Reply #60 on: 27 April 2009, 09:22:39 »

In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Lorry:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's Van:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's Van:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Notice board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a  Tyre Shop
'Invite us to your next blow-out.'
**************************
On an Electrician's Van:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
In a Vet's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!  Stay!
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Outside a Car Exhaust Centre:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
 


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Ian
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« Reply #61 on: 14 May 2009, 14:40:14 »

>            Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
> He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
>
>            The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the
> story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
>
>
>            The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
>
>            Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
>
>            The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
>
>            Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
>
>
>            Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
> ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
>
>            The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
> saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."
>
>
>            Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on
> the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
>
>            The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it
> again."
>
>            Bob took the money...
>
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Neil A
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« Reply #62 on: 15 May 2009, 11:47:50 »

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend, calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies.....

Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate!!!!
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Neil A
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« Reply #63 on: 20 May 2009, 08:28:03 »

   A well dressed lady stood waiting for the bus on a warm, clear
   afternoon in Chicago.
 
   When the bus stopped, and it was her turn to board, she became aware
   that her skirt was to tight for her to raise her leg enough to manage
   the height of step onto the bus.
 
   Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
   reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
   thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
   She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
 
   So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
   unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

   Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
 
   With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
   unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
 
   About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
   up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
 
   She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
   "How dare you touch my body!
   I don't even know who you are!"
 
   The Texan smiled and drawled,
   "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
   unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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