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Neil A
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« Reply #45 on: 25 October 2008, 11:07:39 »

How to Give a Cat A Pill



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.   As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.   

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.   

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.   Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.    Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.   

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.    Get another pill.  Open another beer.    Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.   

Force mouth open with dessert spoon.    Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.    Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.




14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


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Neil A
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« Reply #46 on: 05 November 2008, 21:40:22 »


http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMMfgWhm3g
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Ian
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« Reply #47 on: 10 November 2008, 13:54:59 »


A very old couple that have been married forever is sitting
On their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, 'What was that for?'

She says, 'For having a little pecker.'

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.
She crawls back and says, 'What was that for?'

He says, 'For knowing there was more than one size.'

 
 
   

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Ian
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« Reply #48 on: 12 November 2008, 14:55:51 »

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
 
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.
 
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.'
 
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.
 
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?


 
   


[/quote]
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Neil A
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« Reply #49 on: 27 November 2008, 19:07:31 »

That's entertainment!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAFI1i5FIBc&eurl=http://fb.rockyou.com/facebook_apps/rywall/mediaplayer.php?width=428&height=346&tag=fb-wall-video-view&vurl=ht&feature=player_embedded
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Neil A
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« Reply #50 on: 02 December 2008, 16:23:42 »

 A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly  to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
signaled  that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently
caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with
both  hands? 'Actually, no,' he replied. Can you get him for me? I need
to  speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and
into his  hair? 

I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I
can  do?
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her  fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him? the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper  towels in the ladies room.'
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Neil A
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« Reply #51 on: 02 December 2008, 16:25:50 »

A young cowboy walks into 'The Oak' in San Angelo, TX. He sits
at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just
sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old
cowpoke, 
'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler
and in his best cowboy manner says,
'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over
to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down
to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight is shocking
and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says,
'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
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Neil A
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« Reply #52 on: 04 December 2008, 12:05:30 »

Chistmas Joke

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."
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Amplex24
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« Reply #53 on: 09 December 2008, 22:49:43 »

 
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said,  'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School.

Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball  there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said,  'Barb,  you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll  do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb,  Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose.  'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is  that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.  Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'


Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.
 
 
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Amplex24
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« Reply #54 on: 09 December 2008, 22:56:33 »

These are genuine clips from letters sent to the Council Housing Department in London.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it
 
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
 
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
 
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in
   the hole in his back passage.
 
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
 
7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet
    roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
    and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
 
11. 50% of the wall are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50 % are just plain filthy.
 
12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
 
14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
 
15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.


16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.


17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
     third so please send someone round to do something about it.
 
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
     do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
 

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

 20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still
      I have no satisfaction.
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Amplex24
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« Reply #55 on: 09 December 2008, 23:07:19 »

The Sensitive Man....


A woman meets a man in a bar..

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after a while, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children? '

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it? '

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:






'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf '

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Neil A
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« Reply #56 on: 14 December 2008, 17:08:48 »

TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE   


The 6th  grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
 
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not
be asking sixth-graders a question like that!  I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'
 
Mrs Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?


Little Mary's mouth fell open.   
 
Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'


The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
'Anybody?'
 
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.'
 
Then she turned to Mary and continued...
 
And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say...
 
One.. you have a dirty mind.
 
Two.. you didn't read your homework.
 
And three... one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'
 

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Ian
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« Reply #57 on: 11 January 2009, 14:37:50 »


There's a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in
the opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars
on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in
different directions.

The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and
survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, 'Jesus, I am
really lucky to be alive!'

Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, 'I can't believe I survived this wreck!'
 
The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and
 says, 'You know, I think this is a sign from God that we
should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of
such rivals.' The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, 'You
know, you're absolutely  right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see
what else survived the wreck.'
 
So, the Scotsman pops open his boot and
finds a full unopened bottle of Whisky. He says to the English fella,
'I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and
friendship' The Englishman says, 'You're damn right!' and he
grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Whisky.
 
After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and
says, 'Your turn!' The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says,
'Nah, I think I'll wait for the police to show up.' 
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Neil A
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« Reply #58 on: 25 April 2009, 17:01:48 »

Sisters story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was just the cutest thing! My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know),

Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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Neil A
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« Reply #59 on: 25 April 2009, 17:02:35 »

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that
the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.  What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
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