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Ian
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« Reply #30 on: 16 September 2008, 09:33:22 »
 

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission

                in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he

                realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.



                 So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and

                 says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

                 The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

                 The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he

                 points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

                 Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

                 The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

                 a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of

                 natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

                 The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'



                 The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills

                 them.

            The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years

                 teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how

                 could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

                 The chief replied, 'My bike.'



                {Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else’s bicycle!!!}
 
 
 



 

 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 


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Neil A
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« Reply #31 on: 16 September 2008, 17:47:04 »
 
 
The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his
body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with £96,000..

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major
who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of
my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em',
which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's weenie
and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your
testicles?'

The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'The Falklands.'
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Amplex24
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« Reply #32 on: 18 September 2008, 21:20:23 »
TINKLE


A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. '
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' 
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
« Last Edit: 18 September 2008, 21:23:03 by Amplex24 » Logged
daveb120
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« Reply #33 on: 18 September 2008, 22:06:03 »
 :) ver good amplex lmao!
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Ian
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« Reply #34 on: 21 September 2008, 16:06:16 »

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
 'Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
 'That little shit, O'Connor?' says Sean,
 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
 'That he did,' says Paddy,
 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself.
 Didn't you have something in your hand?'
'That I did,' said Paddy,
'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'
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Ian
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« Reply #35 on: 21 September 2008, 16:11:25 »
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling  screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone  having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.


Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head  drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so, says the  old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'

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Amplex24
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« Reply #36 on: 24 September 2008, 16:49:59 »
The Pants
 
On Mike's wedding day, his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'  She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
 
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'  She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me.'  Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here - you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will!'
 
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RobT
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« Reply #37 on: 25 September 2008, 16:37:22 »
OLYMPICS

A man met a beautiful Woman and he was so besotted that he decided that he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested. "But we don't know anything about each other.”

He replied, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.  Their wedding night lovemaking was very satisfying.  The following morning they were lying by the pool when suddenly, he got up, climbed up to the 10-meter diving board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.  This was followed by a three rotations in jacknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.  After several more impress dives he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, “That was incredible!”

He replied, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion.  You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.  She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly strokes!

After several laps, completed in minutes, she climbed out of the pool and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No", she said, "l was a hooker in Memphis and I used to work both sides of the Mississippi River."
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RobT
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« Reply #38 on: 25 September 2008, 16:40:31 »
KIDS

TEACHERS PET

On the last day 0f kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.  The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift.  She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet its flowers!" "That’s right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the owner of the candy store's daughter handed the teacher a gift.  She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl

The next gift was from the owner of the liquor store's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it

"Is It wine" she asked.  "No," the boy answered. 

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered

"What is it?" she asked.

"A puppy!"


KIDS IN SCHOOL

Teacher:   Why are you late?
Webster:   Because of the sign

Teacher:   What sign?
Webster:   The one that says "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher:   Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor'?
Cindy:      You told me to do it without using tables!

Teacher:   John, how do you spell "crocodile'>"
John:      K-R-O-K-D-A-I-L"

Teacher:   No, that’s wrong.
John:      Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Teacher:   What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah:      HIJKLMNO!!

Teacher:   What are you talking about?
Sarah:      Yesterday you said its H to O
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« Reply #39 on: 25 September 2008, 16:42:33 »
EXAMS

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family members death.

One smart alec of a male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."


DAMN SMART KIDS
How DO You Get To Heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church. Would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if l was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five—year-old boy shouted out, "You have to be dead'"


LITTLE JOHNNY

The lifeguard at the public swimming pool approaches little Johnny.

"You’re not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "Im going to report you." 

"But everyone pees in the pool said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
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RobT
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« Reply #40 on: 25 September 2008, 16:57:29 »
ACCIDENTS
Kids cause accidents in the dark, but accidents in the dark cause kids!


CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts "One for you, one for me One for you, one for me." said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can’t you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.  At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
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Neil A
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« Reply #41 on: 25 September 2008, 18:07:32 »
Thanks Rob they were a scream! ;D
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Ian
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« Reply #42 on: 05 October 2008, 19:25:59 »
                           

 The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning     
 and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which       
 part of your body goes first?'                                           

 Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'                 

 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'                                 

 Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in     
 front of you and God just takes your hands first.'                       

 'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.                                 

 Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your       
 feet.'                                                                   

 The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.               
 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'             

 Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the   
 other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was         
 saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd  have 
 lost her.'                                                               

 The Nun fainted.                                                         
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« Reply #43 on: 23 October 2008, 16:58:42 »
NUNS

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF! She’s gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF! She’s gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?"  he asks. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell,"

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St, Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says

"NO Sister, this says, 'Sahara Pipeline was laid by 1000 men."


HEALTH
Acupuncture
"There must be something in acupuncture After all, you never see any sick porcupines"

Incontinence Help line
Incontinence Help line, "Can you hold please'?"


SKIN TRANSPLANT SURGERY
A husband and wife were in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman‘s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before.  All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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RobT
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« Reply #44 on: 23 October 2008, 17:00:16 »
A MAN
A man goes to the doctor and says "l think something is wrong with me, every time I poke myself it hurts."

He demonstrates this by poking himself in the head, then the belly, then the leg, and then the arm and each time he does he screams "Oooouch!"  "What’s wrong with me Doctor? Tell me the worst"' begs the man nervously.

The Doctor replies, "You have a broken finger",


"DOCTOR, DOCTOR...
I can't pronounce my F’s, T’s, and H's."

"Well you can’t say Fairer Than That then!"


NURSE
A nurse walks into the bank to cash a cheque. She reaches into her handbag and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Great, just great," she sighs to the cashier "That means some asshole's got my pen."


PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
"Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co—dependent, please ask someone to press 2
It you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold."
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