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Amplex24
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« Reply #15 on: 12 August 2008, 20:47:16 »

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007

The last one is a worthy winner.



_________________________________________________________________________________________



6th  Place

It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you  like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.   

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she  replied.


 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






5th  Place

A  flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check  tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and  he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid  she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your  stub.'
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





4th  Place

A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she  couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, '  I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






3rd  Place

The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've  been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes,  well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped  laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






2nd  Place

A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for  miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the  driver,

'Got stuck, hey?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------







SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2007


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her  pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate  any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a  nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your  immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A  smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,   


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete  and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter  and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly  at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose  you'd have to write with your other hand'.
 

 

 

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Amplex24
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« Reply #16 on: 13 August 2008, 20:41:37 »

 A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field
standing alone, while all the the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'Are you OK?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.
 
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.'  She says.
 
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
 
'Why?' says the blonde.
 
The boy says: 'Because I'm the goalie'
 
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Neil A
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« Reply #17 on: 14 August 2008, 11:13:10 »

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the
course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but
notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between the two, and this only made her more
curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching
the two interact, she started to wonder if there
was more between Peter and his flat mate than
met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure
you, Joanne & I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter
saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure"
said Peter.



So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE
FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE
FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT
IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU
WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER



Several days later, Peter received an email from
his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP
WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT
YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT
THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS
SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD
HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY
NOW.

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
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Ian
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« Reply #18 on: 25 August 2008, 14:13:02 »


Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about
> their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three
> will wear black leather bodices, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
> After a few days they meet up for lunch.
>
>
> The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
> me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
> 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
>
>
> The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
> was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
> When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
> night.
>
>
> The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
> night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
> stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
> door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
>
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Ian
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« Reply #19 on: 01 September 2008, 10:01:56 »

A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.   
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
Mouth for one minute.   

'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
 bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
 its head

The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
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Ian
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« Reply #20 on: 02 September 2008, 10:09:32 »

 

A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The woman below replied, 'You are in a hot air baloon hovering approximately thirty feet from the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an engineer,' said the baloonist.
'I am,' replied the woman, ' How did you know?'
' Well,' answered the baloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip.'
The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.' 'I am,' replied the baloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You've made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect the people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but somehow it's now my
fault.'

 
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Amplex24
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« Reply #21 on: 05 September 2008, 10:20:02 »

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!!


Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car
in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts
into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked
across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been
standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
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RobT
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« Reply #22 on: 05 September 2008, 17:56:48 »

Two Iraqi mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would be 24 now.'
The other mum replies, 'I remember him as a baby.'
Mum says, 'He's a martyr now.'
'Oh, so sad, my dear.'

Mum flips to another picture. 'And this is my second son, Kali He would be 21.'
'Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born.'
Mum sighs, 'He's a martyr, too.'
'Oh gracious me' says the second mother. '

'And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed . He would be 18 now', Mum whispers.
'Yes', says her friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he started school.'
'He's a martyr also', Mum says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says:
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

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RobT
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« Reply #23 on: 05 September 2008, 17:59:57 »

MEN AND WOMEN

WOMEN NEVER LISTEN TO INSTRUCTIONS
A Woman was standing in front of the Art Museum beside a huge Statue of naked Greek God her husband walked up and said, what in the world are you doing here? I told you to meet me by the big clock


MEN
Men are like newborn babies; they are cute at first, but you'll get tired of picking up their crap.


FISHING
Male Version
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime

Female Version
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish  - and youve got the whole weekend to yourself


BRIEFS
Wife:       Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband:    Why? You have nothing to put in it
Wife:      You wear shorts!


HORMONES
A recent scientific study revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.  To test the finding. 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.  It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldnt drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong

No further testing is planned
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« Reply #24 on: 05 September 2008, 18:03:19 »

SPORT
Q:   Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog.
A:   Because they can't hold on to a lead

Q:   What is the difference between the England team and a teabag?
A:   The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q:   Why do the English make better lovers than the Portuguese or Germans?
A:   Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second!

Q:   What do a 3-pin plug and the England football have in Common
A:   They are both useless in Europe




OXO    was going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad.  But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.



CROSS COACHING
To help improve our chances both in football and tennis in the future, a new "cross coach" training scheme has been introduced.

Henman is going to teach Beckham how to hit the net and Beckham to teach Henman how to miss it.

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« Reply #25 on: 06 September 2008, 10:55:02 »

GOD AND FOOTBALL
Zidane, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says, “And so here you are, here to face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question.”

Addressing Zidane first, he asks, " Zidane, the worlds greatest football player, what is it that you believe brought you here before me

Zidane looks God in the eye and says passionately I believe football to be the food of life.  Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Marseilles to the bright lights of Madrid.  I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, which stood on the terraces supporting their team.  “God smiles and offers Zidane a seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo. "And similarly you. Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was that brought you to my throne?”  Figo stands tall and proud, "l believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments." God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right

He then turns to Beckham, “And David, presumably you just want your ball back?”


BEFORE GOD
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What are your beliefs?"  Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "l believe Football to be the food of life Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid, I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seal to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "And you, Luis, what do you believe?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I’ve spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."  God, moved by the passion of the speech, offers Figo the seal to his right. Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe " says Rooney, "that you are sitting in my seat."
« Last Edit: 07 September 2008, 10:35:29 by Neil A » Logged
Neil A
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« Reply #26 on: 09 September 2008, 18:09:52 »

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Ian
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« Reply #27 on: 11 September 2008, 16:26:42 »

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Gypsies. Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just  the dozen
in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've
gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'.
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« Reply #28 on: 11 September 2008, 16:36:52 »

A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached
the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was
no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its
own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?'
Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask-the-Audience
Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because... her friend
was, well -- blond.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave
her the Question and the four Answer choices.

The blond responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving
Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had
given her. And considering that her friend was a blond,
that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

But her friend had responded with such confidence,
such certitude, that the contestant could not help but
be persuaded.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is... Absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends, including the blond who had helped her win the
million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.

'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blond, 'Everyone knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
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Ian
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« Reply #29 on: 14 September 2008, 13:07:54 »


 A man was placed in intensive care, tubes everywhere, nearly comatose.
 
 
 A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the sme condition.
 
 Both lay there, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors pinging, etc. After a few days, one of the men had the strength to raisehis handand catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and said,'Jimmy.'
 
 The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, 'Paddy.'
 
 This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they tried again.
 
 The first man pointed to himself and said, 'Scottish.'
 
 The second man said, 'Irish.'
 
 Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep.
 
 
in another couple of days they were at it again.
 
 Jimmy summoned up the strength to say, ' Glasgow .'
 
 Paddy whipered back, ' Dublin .'
 
This time they were both stronger and could continue.
'Cancer,' said Jimmy.

Sagittarius,' replied Paddy.
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