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Author Topic: Bring your humour here  (Read 47695 times)
Neil A
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« on: 07 August 2008, 13:52:39 »

COWBOY
 
A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
 
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
 
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Neil A
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« Reply #1 on: 07 August 2008, 20:28:22 »

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
 

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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« Reply #2 on: 07 August 2008, 20:30:09 »







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« Reply #3 on: 08 August 2008, 17:35:02 »

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind --
that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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« Reply #4 on: 08 August 2008, 17:41:31 »

On a Qantas  Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the  pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
                                                              ******
Heard on a Air New Zealand flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
 
                                                              *******
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
 
                                                               ******
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
 
                                                                ******
"Thank you for flying Virgin Blue. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
 
                                                                ******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Dunedin Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
 
                                                                ******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Auckland, a flight attendant  announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as shootin' everything has shifted."
 
                                                                ******
From a Air NZ employee: "Welcome aboard Air NZ Flight 245 to Wellington .. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
                                                               ******
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
 
                                                                ******
Weather at our destination is 7 degrees celsius with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than we do."
 
                                                                ******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
 
                                                                ******
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
 
 
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Virgin Blue is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
                                                                ******
Heard on Qantas just after a very hard landing in Sydney : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
 
                                                                ******
Overheard on an Air NZ flight into , Wellington , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wellington. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
 
                                                                ******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
 
                                                                ******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
 
                                                                ******
After a real crusher of a landing in Palmerston North, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
                                                                ******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Air NZ."
 
                                                                ******
A plane was taking off from Auckland Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 316, nonstop from Auckland to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
 
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« Reply #5 on: 08 August 2008, 17:44:08 »

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
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« Reply #6 on: 08 August 2008, 17:50:28 »

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets
her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and
putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night
when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got
totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit
arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself
backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt stick ing straight up in
the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your hair
and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole."
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« Reply #7 on: 08 August 2008, 17:54:56 »

We always hear ' the rules ' from the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side.     

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
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« Reply #8 on: 08 August 2008, 17:59:36 »

From church bulletin bloopers. Some are old, but a few are new ones:

>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.'
       The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>> -------------------------------- --------------------------
>> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
      who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------
>> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------
>> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
>> ------------------------------ ----------------------------
>> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
      'Break Forth Into Joy.'
>> ---------------------------------------------------------
>> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------
>> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
>> ------- -------------------------------------------
>> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------
>> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>> ---------------------------------------- - ----------------
>> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------
>> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
>> ---- -----------------------------------------------------
>> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
>> -------------------------------------------------
>> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------
>> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>> ------------------------------------------ -- ------------ -
>> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
>> --------------------------------------------
>> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------
>> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------
>> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>> ---------------------------------------------------- ------
>> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan 
>>    Last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
 
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« Reply #9 on: 10 August 2008, 14:17:59 »

You can embed youtube movies, 1 per post:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7UMqyqJ6Q
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« Reply #10 on: 10 August 2008, 14:24:15 »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhPA8tQcWmg
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« Reply #11 on: 11 August 2008, 14:20:06 »

  1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
  Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
  Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

  2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
  Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
  Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

  3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
  Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
  Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys!

  4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
  Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
  Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

  5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
  Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
  Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

  6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
  Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
  Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

  7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
  Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
  Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

  8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
  Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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« Reply #12 on: 11 August 2008, 14:24:10 »

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how 
his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.

The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
 
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.   

The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even
serviced all my neighbor's cows!"   

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"   

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.   

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.   

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
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« Reply #13 on: 11 August 2008, 14:27:42 »

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
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« Reply #14 on: 11 August 2008, 14:33:50 »

Australian Funny Facts

Posted on an Australian Tourism Website. The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ?
( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal .


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?
( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.



Note: The answer to the snake question was incorrect. The Tai Pai snake is the third deadliest snake in the world, seven times deadlier than a cobra.

 
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