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91
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Amplex24 on 12 August 2008, 20:47:16 »
SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007

The last one is a worthy winner.



_________________________________________________________________________________________



6th  Place

It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you  like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.   

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she  replied.


 


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5th  Place

A  flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check  tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and  he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid  she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your  stub.'
 


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4th  Place

A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she  couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, '  I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
 


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3rd  Place

The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've  been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes,  well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped  laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
 


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2nd  Place

A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for  miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the  driver,

'Got stuck, hey?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
 


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SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2007


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her  pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate  any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a  nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your  immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A  smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,   


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete  and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter  and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly  at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose  you'd have to write with your other hand'.
 

 

 

92
General Chat Area / Re: Olympics 2008
« Last post by Tracy M on 12 August 2008, 20:33:16 »
Hi Sue

If Rob has spoken about me it was all lies, I'm the normal one, my only fault is living down South, though I did read your
 
message about driving to Egglescliffe and it made me feel homesick, my mum and dad live in Eaglescliffe.
 
93
General Chat Area / Re: Olympics 2008
« Last post by Amplex24 on 12 August 2008, 20:01:04 »
I heard today at the group a certain couple had been having problems giving you a headache Neil......

I'll apologise for them seeing they might not be able to get on to do it themselves ha!ha!

I'd just like to say a big Hi to Tracy and welcome her to the group forum.

Rob has often sent your jokes on to us all and mentioned you to us at our group meeting.

I might have agreed on your comment about Rob being a nutter, but seeing I see him often and he carries a stick and could use it on me....I will decline for now

Did anyone see the Badmington today??? Had me on the edge of my seat. What a match and this was only the start not even the final for our British Couple.

The medals are coming slowly but surely and at last there was one for the men to be proud of....about time too! We always have to be first to let you see how things are done!

Sue
94
General Chat Area / Re: Olympics 2008
« Last post by Neil A on 12 August 2008, 17:25:19 »
Not sure what you are all doing but you all seem to be hitting the report to moderator link instead of the post button ;D
95
General Chat Area / Re: Olympics 2008
« Last post by Tracy M on 11 August 2008, 21:47:12 »
Hi,
RobT, would you hapen to be the nutter I know called Rob

Tracy
96
General Chat Area / Re: Olympics 2008
« Last post by Amplex24 on 11 August 2008, 19:13:37 »
I was going to Egglescliffe this afternoon listening to the commentry on the Tennis and heard when Murray was knocked out. I also heard the commentators say when he got off the plane with his brother he looked miserable where his brother was the complete opposite! Says it all eh?

Thank god he redeemed himself for his brothers sake later on in the doubles.

Was disappointed for Hallam in the badmington, the German girl (Chinese) just thrashed her to be honest, 25 mins and it was all over.

I think those sports like football and tennis should be left out too as they are high ranked professional players and we see enough of them year in year out. I suppose they fought long and hard to eventually get included in the games but the IOC should have put their foot down.

Do you like footie Rob? I hope it's not just sour grapes because Britain can't have a team involved in the football.....well they can if they make it an all English team and we can't have that now can we?????

Sue
97
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 11 August 2008, 14:33:50 »
Australian Funny Facts

Posted on an Australian Tourism Website. The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ?
( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal .


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?
( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.



Note: The answer to the snake question was incorrect. The Tai Pai snake is the third deadliest snake in the world, seven times deadlier than a cobra.

 
98
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 11 August 2008, 14:27:42 »
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
99
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 11 August 2008, 14:24:10 »
A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how 
his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.

The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
 
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.   

The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even
serviced all my neighbor's cows!"   

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"   

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.   

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.   

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
100
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 11 August 2008, 14:20:06 »
  1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
  Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
  Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

  2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
  Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
  Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

  3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
  Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
  Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys!

  4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
  Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
  Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

  5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
  Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
  Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

  6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
  Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
  Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

  7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
  Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
  Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

  8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
  Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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