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21
General Chat Area / Old couple
« Last post by Ian on 10 November 2008, 13:54:59 »

A very old couple that have been married forever is sitting
On their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, 'What was that for?'

She says, 'For having a little pecker.'

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.
She crawls back and says, 'What was that for?'

He says, 'For knowing there was more than one size.'

 
 
   

22
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 05 November 2008, 21:40:22 »
23
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 25 October 2008, 11:07:39 »
How to Give a Cat A Pill



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.   As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.   

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.   

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.   Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.    Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.   

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.    Get another pill.  Open another beer.    Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.   

Force mouth open with dessert spoon.    Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.    Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.




14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


24
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by RobT on 23 October 2008, 17:00:16 »
A MAN
A man goes to the doctor and says "l think something is wrong with me, every time I poke myself it hurts."

He demonstrates this by poking himself in the head, then the belly, then the leg, and then the arm and each time he does he screams "Oooouch!"  "What’s wrong with me Doctor? Tell me the worst"' begs the man nervously.

The Doctor replies, "You have a broken finger",


"DOCTOR, DOCTOR...
I can't pronounce my F’s, T’s, and H's."

"Well you can’t say Fairer Than That then!"


NURSE
A nurse walks into the bank to cash a cheque. She reaches into her handbag and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Great, just great," she sighs to the cashier "That means some asshole's got my pen."


PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
"Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co—dependent, please ask someone to press 2
It you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold."
25
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by RobT on 23 October 2008, 16:58:42 »
NUNS

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF! She’s gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF! She’s gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?"  he asks. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell,"

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St, Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says

"NO Sister, this says, 'Sahara Pipeline was laid by 1000 men."


HEALTH
Acupuncture
"There must be something in acupuncture After all, you never see any sick porcupines"

Incontinence Help line
Incontinence Help line, "Can you hold please'?"


SKIN TRANSPLANT SURGERY
A husband and wife were in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman‘s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before.  All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

26
General Chat Area / WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
« Last post by Ian on 05 October 2008, 19:25:59 »
                           

 The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning     
 and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which       
 part of your body goes first?'                                           

 Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'                 

 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'                                 

 Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in     
 front of you and God just takes your hands first.'                       

 'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.                                 

 Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your       
 feet.'                                                                   

 The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.               
 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'             

 Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the   
 other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was         
 saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd  have 
 lost her.'                                                               

 The Nun fainted.                                                         
27
General Chat Area / Re: Teesside chat.
« Last post by Neil A on 27 September 2008, 09:33:44 »
I think I'm glad I only go on Thursdays!!! ;D
28
General Chat Area / Re: Teesside chat.
« Last post by Amplex24 on 25 September 2008, 20:45:31 »
Ohhhhh Mr Rob T......I feel a threat of blackmail coming over me for all those rude comments that has been said about a fellow female friend of mine with the same name. (Thought it quite funny mind)

May I say the only reason it is quieter on a Thursday is because someone puts a gag over your mouth as they have all had enough of listening to you on the Tuesday. Also there would be no biscuits or cakes left if your mouth was left free to open and shut on both days.

I know it looks funny to any new members who may arrive, but I'm sure you are now a bit of an added attraction to the group after all this time. It's just when you keep hinting to get tied up too that makes us all think that you really may be enjoying this...Weird I know!   

Sue

29
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 25 September 2008, 18:07:32 »
Thanks Rob they were a scream! ;D
30
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by RobT on 25 September 2008, 16:57:29 »
ACCIDENTS
Kids cause accidents in the dark, but accidents in the dark cause kids!


CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts "One for you, one for me One for you, one for me." said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can’t you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.  At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

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