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General Chat Area / Re: Teesside chat.
« Last post by Neil A on 07 July 2009, 21:51:28 »
Well hopefully Chrissieb will get in here!
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 20 May 2009, 08:28:03 »
   A well dressed lady stood waiting for the bus on a warm, clear
   afternoon in Chicago.
   When the bus stopped, and it was her turn to board, she became aware
   that her skirt was to tight for her to raise her leg enough to manage
   the height of step onto the bus.
   Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
   reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
   thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
   She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
   So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
   unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

   Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
   With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
   unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
   About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
   up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
   She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
   "How dare you touch my body!
   I don't even know who you are!"
   The Texan smiled and drawled,
   "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
   unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 15 May 2009, 11:47:50 »
Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend, calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies.....

Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate!!!!
General Chat Area / BOB & THE BLONDE
« Last post by Ian on 14 May 2009, 14:40:14 »
>            Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
> He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
>            The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the
> story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
>            The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
>            Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
>            The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
>            Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
>            Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
> ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
>            The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
> saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."
>            Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on
> the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
>            The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it
> again."
>            Bob took the money...
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 27 April 2009, 09:22:39 »
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
On a Septic Tank Lorry:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Plumber's Van:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
On another Plumber's Van:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
On a Church's Notice board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
At a  Tyre Shop
'Invite us to your next blow-out.'
On an Electrician's Van:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
In a Vet's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!  Stay!
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
Outside a Car Exhaust Centre:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 25 April 2009, 17:02:35 »
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that
the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.  What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 25 April 2009, 17:01:48 »
Sisters story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was just the cutest thing! My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know),

Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
General Chat Area / Re: Teesside chat.
« Last post by Neil A on 18 January 2009, 15:29:54 »
Hey Sue, it was nice to meet Steved and yourself the other week, at leat now we have faces to names!
General Chat Area / "Should Auld Acquaintance be Forgot"
« Last post by Ian on 11 January 2009, 14:37:50 »

There's a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in
the opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars
on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in
different directions.

The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and
survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, 'Jesus, I am
really lucky to be alive!'

Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, 'I can't believe I survived this wreck!'
The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and
 says, 'You know, I think this is a sign from God that we
should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of
such rivals.' The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, 'You
know, you're absolutely  right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see
what else survived the wreck.'
So, the Scotsman pops open his boot and
finds a full unopened bottle of Whisky. He says to the English fella,
'I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and
friendship' The Englishman says, 'You're damn right!' and he
grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Whisky.
After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and
says, 'Your turn!' The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says,
'Nah, I think I'll wait for the police to show up.' 
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« Last post by Neil A on 14 December 2008, 17:08:48 »

The 6th  grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not
be asking sixth-graders a question like that!  I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?

Little Mary's mouth fell open.   
Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.'
Then she turned to Mary and continued...
And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say...
One.. you have a dirty mind.
Two.. you didn't read your homework.
And three... one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

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