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Messages - Neil A

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1
General Chat Area / Re: Teesside chat.
« on: 07 July 2009, 21:51:28 »
Well hopefully Chrissieb will get in here!

2
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 20 May 2009, 08:28:03 »
   A well dressed lady stood waiting for the bus on a warm, clear
   afternoon in Chicago.
 
   When the bus stopped, and it was her turn to board, she became aware
   that her skirt was to tight for her to raise her leg enough to manage
   the height of step onto the bus.
 
   Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
   reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
   thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
   She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
 
   So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
   unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

   Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
 
   With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
   unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
 
   About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
   up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
 
   She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
   "How dare you touch my body!
   I don't even know who you are!"
 
   The Texan smiled and drawled,
   "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
   unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

3
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 15 May 2009, 11:47:50 »
Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend, calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies.....

Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate!!!!

4
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 27 April 2009, 09:22:39 »
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Lorry:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's Van:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's Van:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Notice board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a  Tyre Shop
'Invite us to your next blow-out.'
**************************
On an Electrician's Van:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
In a Vet's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!  Stay!
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Outside a Car Exhaust Centre:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
 



5
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 25 April 2009, 17:02:35 »
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that
the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.  What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

6
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 25 April 2009, 17:01:48 »
Sisters story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was just the cutest thing! My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know),

Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

7
General Chat Area / Re: Teesside chat.
« on: 18 January 2009, 15:29:54 »
Hey Sue, it was nice to meet Steved and yourself the other week, at leat now we have faces to names!

8
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 14 December 2008, 17:08:48 »
TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE   


The 6th  grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
 
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not
be asking sixth-graders a question like that!  I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'
 
Mrs Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?


Little Mary's mouth fell open.   
 
Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'


The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
'Anybody?'
 
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.'
 
Then she turned to Mary and continued...
 
And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say...
 
One.. you have a dirty mind.
 
Two.. you didn't read your homework.
 
And three... one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'
 


9
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 04 December 2008, 12:05:30 »
Chistmas Joke

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."

10
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 02 December 2008, 16:25:50 »
A young cowboy walks into 'The Oak' in San Angelo, TX. He sits
at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just
sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old
cowpoke, 
'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler
and in his best cowboy manner says,
'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over
to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down
to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight is shocking
and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says,
'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

11
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 02 December 2008, 16:23:42 »
 A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly  to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
signaled  that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently
caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with
both  hands? 'Actually, no,' he replied. Can you get him for me? I need
to  speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and
into his  hair? 

I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I
can  do?
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her  fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him? the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper  towels in the ladies room.'

13
General Chat Area / Re: Teesside chat.
« on: 27 November 2008, 19:04:36 »
A very good point Sue, we always chat about the weather - all my foreign friends now expect of me as a way of starting a conversation ;D

Up until a few years ago I loved the heat, it could never be too hot for me, I was a real sun worshipper and I hated the cold.

As I've hit 50 (maybe it's because of the middle age spread) I'm less attracted to beach holidays but I still long for the sunshine; sufficient heat to wander around in shorts and teeshirts.  I still HATE the cold.
I would love to live in the South of France even though they can have cold winters, their summers are better than ours (as is the food).  We've been goping to Menton on the cote D'Azur for years, it's the last town on the French side before Italy and we both love it.  I wish we could afford to have an appartment there.




Menton


Would anyone else like to live somewhere else?

15
General Chat Area / Re: Bring your humour here
« on: 25 October 2008, 11:07:39 »
How to Give a Cat A Pill



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.   As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.   

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.   

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.    Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.   Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.    Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.   

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.    Get another pill.  Open another beer.    Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.   

Force mouth open with dessert spoon.    Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.    Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.




14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.



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